8 Things you should not tell a cancer patient

ARE YOU GOING TO LOSE YOUR HAIR?
Instead: Give compliments! Offer to try out new styles/hats/wraps/makeup!

Not only is this comment extremely personal and rude, it hits at a core issue lots of women going through treatment face: the fear of losing their femininity. Instead of shining an intrusive spotlight on this topic, try giving out compliments! And better yet, offer to go shopping and try on some new styles to fit the new look!

DO YOU THINK IT WAS CAUSED BY WEIGHT GAIN/TOO MUCH SOY/NOT GOING ORGANIC?
Instead: Focus on how to help them live the healthiest life they can right now.
There is already so much self-blame and guilt when it comes to cancer diagnosis, that trying to pin point the cause of it is really not helpful. They have already battled (and are still battling) the demons of shame and “what if” in their life, and the truth is, there are so many variables, we may never know what causes cancer. Either way, it’s not a productive conversation. What helps is what their diet is now, and how you can help make healthy living simple for them.

YOU DON’T LOOK SICK
Instead: Be open to discussing what they are going through.

I’ve never understood why this seems to be a common reaction. Do you think your friend waited to tell you they had cancer till two months into chemo? Or on their deathbed? Chances are, they recently found out. Maybe this is meant to be a compliment, in that “you sure don’t look like your body is attacking itself.” Either way, not helpful. Instead, ask how they are feeling today, and be open to a conversation about what they are experiencing.

EVERYTHING WILL BE OK, AND OTHER PLATITUDES
Instead: Listen to the struggle, offer real, genuine, individualized hope, not recited lines

I know you mean well, and it’s difficult to know what exactly to say to a loved one who has just received devastating news, but reciting trite phrases, or writing off their pain as something that will only make them stronger is actually hurtful. Yeah, maybe there is a bigger plan, and they will be a better person after the battle is over, but right now it sucks. And you need to be ok sitting with your friend in this space, where the struggle is real, and the fear is palpable. Get to know what exactly they are afraid of, and offer genuine encouragement, tailored to this person, in this place, at this time.

6. LET ME KNOW HOW I CAN HELP
Instead: Offer to bring over dinner, or call when you are at the grocery store and ask if there is anything you can pick up

Don’t get me wrong, offering to help is such a blessing during this time of need, and adjusting to a new normal, but phrasing it this way puts the ball in their court, and adds pressure for them to try and find something for you to help out with. As my mother put it when she was first diagnosed, “I don’t know what I need until I need it!” Instead, it is much more helpful to pick something and do it. Do they need to eat on Tuesday night? Perfect, you can cook a meal. Are you headed out to do errands? Great, you can call your friend and ask if you can pick anything up while you’re out.

7. I HAVEN’T HEARD FROM YOU IN A WHILE
Instead: Offer to be a point person for communication in their life

When your loved one has gone public with their diagnosis, several things happen pretty quickly. One thing is that EVERYONE wants an update and they want it NOW. It is overwhelming. Not to mention, sometimes they just don’t want to talk about the big “C” word. Sometimes they want to shoot the breeze about movies, or catch up on office gossip. So, if you’ve noticed you’re loved one has been out of communication for a while, offer to field some of the calls and e-mails. When my mother was going in for brain surgery, my brother and I each had a list of people to call/e-mail/facebook every few hours. And when it was over, it was our job to inform them that we were going to be unreachable for the rest of the day, and to please not bother us. Everyone needs someone to keep the masses at bay.

NOTHING AT ALL
Instead: Listen! Be a positive presence!

The last thing I want this list to do is silence friends and family. Your loved one needs all the support they can get right now! There is nothing you can say, as long as it comes from a place of understanding and genuine love, that is worse than just dropping out of their life. Sure, things might be awkward, and life is definitely going to change, but you can be a source of strength and encouragement. It is such an honor to be part of the team rooting for my mother’s recovery. So, go ahead, jump right in!

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